At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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