I wish life had little blips of pornography
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
sex in a hospital.. check
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize