im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
