Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
