I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
