I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
