saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
