Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
