i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
