I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i was born a porn star she said
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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