One girl and one boy is just not enough.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
