I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
