Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
