My sheets look like a crime scene.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize