Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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