You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
