I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Who died my cat blue again?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
