Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
