yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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