I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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