just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
