Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
