apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
