I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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