1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
