So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize