My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize