My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
