we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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