you're like a bully in the Christmas story
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
