I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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