You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
she looked like the before picture.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
