So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
