I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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