He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
