Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
