a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Pooping to opera.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
