he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
