I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
