Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Drake has all the answers
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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