Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
