the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
As shirtless as possible
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
