I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
