is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize