Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
