hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
