Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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