I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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