Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
