This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize