she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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