Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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