Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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