it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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