i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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