I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
