Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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