YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
